I think I was about 11 years old when I began to question why I was always the smallest or shortest male in any surrounding. As years went on I began to notice that most of my friends were shooting up like sky scrapers and even the ones who were my size and height began gaining weight and getting taller as well. This concern never really bothered me until I became a teenager. We all know how our bodies went through changes and that emotional rollercoaster that seems as if it would never end. Well I went through all of that, accept I didn’t really have a pimple phase and my voice didn’t really change tremendously like my friends (at least I don’t think so). People still assume Im a child today. lol I can only recall the hair growth (everywhere), a little weight gain, and my abnormal desire for sex. I would always question my appearance in my mind, but would never do it in public. I have always been confident, outgoing, obsessed with women, popular blah blah blah, but I felt like I was missing out on actually “growing up”.
I was never the buff teen that I assumed girls went for. I have always been small, but I have always taken care of my body. I told myself that If God wasn’t going to make me buff like all of the other guys, then I would at least keep this body that I have cut and in shape. Most of the time, my body was the only thing that I was ever insecure about. (at times it still is) Some girls (who have actually seen me shirtless/etc) would say that my body was fine for a person my size. As the bigger guys were getting the “damn he fine” treatment, I was getting the, “awww, He is soooo cute” treatment. I thought they were just being nice. I was never and still not the typical Macho Man that lives and breathes sports, but I was involved in almost every organization you could think of including track and soccer. I had no choice but to keep my body in shape. It was always me competing against everybody.
All men can not lie and say that they didn’t go through that phase when they questioned the size of their MOJO compared to other dudes. It doesn’t make you gay or whatever, but lets admit that it happens. It somehow determines your confidence. It’s in our DNA to want to compete with other males and be the top dog with the “big swang”. Being that I was small, I just knew that everyone else would make me look like a damn cocktail weenie. Lmao You began to notice some things maybe when you are showering after practice or a workout. Through those unintentional glimpses I was like, well I definitely don’t have a problem in the meat department. In high school and mostly around Jackson everybody knew me because I could dance. That was one of my ways of luring girls into my web. After a while, my nickname in the female community became “WOOSH”. I hated that name and I still do now. I didn’t mind the attention neither did I mind the sexual favors, but I wasn’t the type to like my business out like that, even though it does happen………but anyway
I can remember one incident in class when two of my friend girls were discussing guys that they would date and guys that they would f***. When my name came up, I tried to act as if I wasn’t paying attention, but I was very curious to know what they thought about me. One of the girls said that I was really cute and if I was a little bit taller, she would talk to me with the quickness. At that point I didn’t know whether to be flattered or mad. The other girl, whom I had a major crush on and had heard about “the rumor”, said that she wouldn’t date me because I was too short, but she would have sex with me out of curiosity. (lol I’ll leave that there) I still think about that moment today.
It is a known fact that people will over indulge in the things that make them standout in order to hide the things that they lack. Men know that this is true and they hate when women admit it. Some men work out constantly to maintain a marvelous physique, but some do that to make up for the lack of swing between the legs. Every man has a way of making their best features stand out. When I entered college, my reputation followed me. Of course you had the females that were obsessed with the huge football player that couldnt form a complete sentence. The people that I hung with including myself weren’t like most of the black males on campus. We were moderately conservative, didn’t dress like people would expect young black men to dress, yet down to earth, uber talented, free spirited, popular, heavily involved, part of the freshman elite, and honestly some down right whores! I was still the shortest person in the group, but my presence was always known and at times I stood out even when I didn’t want to. By this time I knew that I would never be the model type and that I probably would never grow. I just knew that I would never become an attractive man. I would stay the little cute guy.
It was always placed in the back of my mind so that no one would ever notice that my body, more so than my height was my insecurity. Half of my college life was full of sex/alcohol. Getting either one of those was no problem at all. It had gotten so bad that having the most sex partners became a game. I still feel bad about the things I have done, but during intercourse with any of those women I would always think that they couldn’t possibly think I am physically attractive. I would always put in my mind that it must be the popularity, maybe she wanted one of my other boys first, maybe she’s looking for a status boost, maybe she cant get sex from anybody else, or maybe she’s curious about what’s in my pants and if I can Sho Nuff use it. After a while I was just having sex just to prove a point. (That my Johnson wasn’t small).
This became my way of coping. Sex/Alcohol became a big part of my personal life. It would sometimes stress me out and had a very huge affect on my academics. It took prayer, mentors, family, and friends to get me out of that depression period. It had gotten so bad that I was taking six bottles of meds for six different things. Wasn’t sleeping, eating properly, overly active, lost a lot of weight blah blah blah. I was just physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally drained. I was really good at hiding most of it, but some people could even see my pain from a distance.
Now that I am older and sort of free from that insecurity, I realize that I have accomplished so much through these few years on this earth that people may not accomplish in a lifetime. I notice that even in a room full of tall people I can still be the big giant, because as my mentor would say, “leaders are models without a height or weight requirement.” I admit that I sometimes stand out unintentionally and I know that it intimidates some men at times (even the muscle heads). My bright personality, intelligence, creativity, well-roundedness, ability to demand attention without causing a scene, outspokenness, and confidence is what I believe draws people to me. Last night I was told (by #oneofmyfollowers whom I had just met) that my choice of words/tweets made it seem as though I was tall. I began to laugh, because that actually made me feel so good inside. I know that I will never be tall or buff, but I am attractive in so many other ways and any female that can look past the small physical frame and see what’s really attractive (inside) then she is indeed “A TRUE WOMAN” and it not only makes me feel buff, but it makes me feel taller than any man!
